Eeeek

I'm currently sitting in the waiting room of my Bariatric surgeon waiting for my fill appointment. I'm terrified. After being WAY too tight for so long, I'm scared of getting sick again. But my stomach has rested for a few months after having 3.8 ccs taken out and I'm famished all the time so I need to do it. That doesn't stop my heart from racing and my palms from sweating, but all I can do is keep trying, right?

Weekly Weigh In - 7/20/15

Last week's weight: 233.1. Today:

2 pounds down after low-carb for a week and one cheat meal. I'll take it. 

Low Carb Treat - French Soda

If you have a hard time avoiding ice cold, sweet and creamy treats at this time of year (guilty!) I have found something that satisfies the craving for such things, and it's called a French soda. It's very simple and delicious!

In a tall glass, throw in a handful of ice, a splash of any flavor sugar free syrup (the kind you use to flavor coffee, some brands are DaVinci and Torani) - my favorite is coconut, but vanilla, raspberry, caramel, and orange are also wonderful, fill the glass almost all the way with plain bubbly water/club soda, and then add a splash of cream or milk.

Made with 2 tablespoons of half & half, this tasty concoction has about 40 calories, 1 gram of protein, and and 1 gram of carb.

Low Carb Bandwagon

I'm tired of the weight gain for no reason. After weeks of working out, eating healthy, and continuing to gain nearly a pound a week, I got really, really frustrated. Clearly what I was doing wasn't working. I decided to jump back on the low carb bandwagon because as much as I hate it I know it works for me. So I spent the weekend eating whatever I wanted and today I am back to bacon and eggs for breakfast, salads with protein for lunch, and protein and veggies for dinner. Here goes nothing. 

Weekly Weigh In - 6/22/15

Last week's weight: 230.4. 

This week:

This doesn't even make sense. I'm ready to cry, scream, and/or COMPLETELY GIVE UP. WTF????????

Weekly Weigh In - 6/15/15

Last week's weight: 229.5. This week:

I have no bloody clue how I managed to gain a pound, other than the three hardcore weight training workouts I did this week and the VERY hot weather we're having (water retention?) and the one hardcore cheat meal (grilled cheese and disco fries) and the one hard cider I drank when we went to see a band play the other night, but all I can do is move on. 

This week: more cardio, less weights (2 Zumba classes and 2 circuit classes), LOTS more water, and the cheat meal needs to be not quite so salty, fatty, and low in protein. 

As the lovely LBG says...onwards. 

Breakfast

Almost every day, I have homemade muesli for breakfast. If you're not familiar with muesli, a quick definition is:

...a breakfast dish based on raw rolled oats and other ingredients including grains, fresh or dried fruits, seeds and nuts, mixed with milk, soy milk, yogurt or fruit juice.

The way I make mine is that I go to the health food store and hit up the bulk food bins for raw rolled oats (which make up about 75% of the recipe) and any of the following (to make up the remaining 25%):

wheat germ

sunflower seeds

pumpkin seeds

sesame seeds

flax seeds

almonds

walnuts

pecans

cashews

dried cranberries

dried tart cherries *

dried apricots *

dried apples *

dried coconut *

cinnamon

nutmeg

ginger

* note: I use UNSWEETENED and UNSULPHERED dried fruits wherever possible. Cranberries are the only fruit I have not been unable to find unsweetened

You can really use any kind of nuts/seeds/dried fruit you like - most people use raisins but I don't like them. I tried using chia seeds once but it makes the whole thing very gooey and gelatinous. I didn't care for it. And keep the dried fruit content on the low side because it does contain sugar - I don't add ANY other sweetener so a little dried fruit does make it tasty, though, and things like dried cherries have big health benefits (reduce inflammation) so I like to use them.

I lightly toast the oats dry for about 10 minutes in a 350 degree oven, just until they start to get a nutty scent and get a touch darker. Eating the oats completely raw is perfectly fine, but it can cause a little gastrointestinal distress. I then mix everything together and store it in a glass jar in the fridge for about a week. I measure out a portion each day to take to work with me and eat it at my desk with skim milk or yogurt (I prefer it with milk). To serve, I measure out 1/3 cup of muesli, 1/2 scoop of protein powder (I use EAS Lean 15 in vanilla - adds 4 grams of protein and 25 calories), and 1/2 cup of milk and mix it all together.

This mix is very high in fiber (the really important kind that lowers cholesterol and increases satiety), omega-3 fatty acids, and best of all, it's really tasty. 

Weekly Weigh In - 6/8/15

I decided to do my weekly weigh in on my fancy work scale every week, on Monday mornings. It's a little higher than my home scale first thing in the morning pre-coffee and undressed, but it's easier to get a photo of this one so I figure as long as I'm consistent. So without further ado...

What I Eat

As part of my renewed commitment to a healthy and nourishing diet, at the recommendation of a trainer friend who is in the process of losing the baby weight from her 9 week old newborn, I decided to try a meal prep service. The price is reasonable - $8 per meal, and the portions are enormous so I can make one of those meals last for lunch and dinner, sometimes stretching it with a small salad. They give me the calorie count of every meal and I only order the high protein choices. The minimum order is 10 meals per week, but my husband eats a couple of them and I'm also ordering food for my co-worker who I'm doing a work weight loss challenge with (more about that another time). I work in a cardiology office and we are lucky enough to have a healthy catered lunch a few days a week - there's almost always protein and salad and veggies and fruit salad. Friday we had lunch catered from an awesome vegan restaurant - I had an avocado sandwich on sprouted grain bread with greens, sprouts, and zucchini "bacon"...it was delicious! On days we don't have catered lunch, I know I always have a healthy meal in the fridge and don't have to give in to fast food or pizza.

I like to cook, but with my work and workout schedule, I don't always have time to cook and so the meal plan has ensured that after I work a full day then go to the gym, I don't hit the fast food drive thru on my way home. (I still cook a healthy meal - usually chicken and veggies - a couple of nights a week.)

Food pick up is on Sundays...here's what my fridge looks like tonight:

On the menu this week:

Pecan Crusted Chicken Salad - mixed greens, craisins, pecans, mandarin oranges and fresh mozzarella served with house vinaigrette 

Penne w/ sausage & broccoli rabe - Sliced sausage sautéed with broccoli rabe and roasted garlic tossed with whole grain penne pasta served with a side of julienne mixed vegetables.

Quinoa Shrimp Cakes - shrimp, onions, carrots, celery, egg whites and quinoa topped with a lemon mustard sauce served with a side of baked sweet potato rounds.

Bunless Balsamic Turkey Burger - topped with balsamic caramelized red onions served with a side of baked sweet potato rounds 

Mahi topped with a fresh cucumber mango salsa served with a side of julienne mixed veggies

Moroccan flavor baked chicken breast served over lentil salad (onion, celery, shredded carrots and lentil) with a side of oven roasted cauliflower 

If anyone is interested in seeing what these meals look like, I will take photos throughout the course of the week and share them.

Starting Over...Again

I can't even believe I need to write this post, but here I go.

I used to have a band blog. I was one of those "superstar" bloggers. I lost 100 pounds. I started out at nearly 300 pounds. I was down to 189. Life was awesome. I worked out like crazy. I took nutrition classes. I never missed a support group. I was invincible. I was going to meet all of my goals, almost effortlessly. I felt bad for those poor slobs who ate like crap and never worked out and had trouble with their bands. It was magical, if you weren't stupid or lazy. I had a popular blog. All of my real life friends and family wanted to know the secret of my success. So I shared my blog with them.

Yeah. And then reality happened.

Regain. I weigh 228 pounds now. Damn it...I didn't want to say that out loud.

I had some legal problems. I had some money problems. My husband was laid off. I was underemployed. We almost lost our home. I quit my fancy gym for 6 months. I was working two jobs.

I was having trouble with my band (stress? probably) and really couldn't afford $150 for every fill/unfill so I stayed at unhealthy fill levels for too long. I spent MONTHS way too loose, gained weight. I got a big fat fill and couldn't eat anything other than nachos and soup, gained weight. I was too sick with nausea and acid reflux to work out. I vomited at the gym multiple times so I stopped going.

Excuses, I know. But that's reality.

My blog, my safe place to vent, was gone. I didn't want to talk about my problems and have everyone I knew reading about them. I didn't want pity. I didn't want everyone's well meaning but useless "solutions" to all my problems.

Mostly I was ashamed. I still am.

So I stopped blogging. I told very few people about what was going on. But I'm here to tell you...

I need support.

I need help.

I'm not ready to go public, but I need my safe space. So I'm starting this new blog anonymously. And I hope you will read it and give me some support. I will share my identity with my bariatric friends in time, but not yet. Please give me a minute.

I have started over, not just here, but in life. I got an unfill. I had 6.8 cc's in my band and I had 3.8 taken out, leaving me with 3 cc's. I feel fine...just hungry. I'm working out 3-4 times per week. I worked out a deal with my trainer at the fancy gym in exchange for my services and got a cheap membership. In addition, I have a couple of good friends who are trainers and they're opening a gym this week, so I can go there too. I have significantly improved my eating habits and am down about 8 pounds. I can eat solid protein and veggies again.

We had a resolution to a good portion of our legal issues last week and things are looking up there. We refinanced our home and are not going to lose it anytime soon.

So here I am. And that's all I have right now.

Thanks for reading.